The Top Ten Worst Valentine Gifts for Her
(by Paul Peavy)
10. Anything that looks like you won it at the fair. There has never been an article in Better Homes and Garden on how to establish mood in a room decorated around the five-foot tall pink Tweety Bird motif.
9. Anything that you accidentally left the receipt from The Dollar Store in. Also destroy all receipts if the gift is from Napa, The Snap-On Tool Truck, or Ace Hardware. Remember the answer to the question of , “Where did you get this?” should always be, “The mall”
8. Singing Big Mouth Billy Bass. (Even the love song edition)
7. Monster Truck Rally Tickets. If you even thought this... If you even thought this…If… Never mind.
6. A football. If she says she loves football she means she likes watching over-sized steroid induced millionaire hunks running around in tight pants.
5. Anything too small. Your sweetheart is not the same size as the teen-age sales clerk. So quit saying, “Oh she’s about your size,” to every anorexic bee-bop salesperson that smiles at you.
4. Cooking a romantic dinner made with Spam or Vienna Sausage. Trust me when your huntin’ buddies say, “Hey man, you’re a pretty good cook!” They mean, “Hey man, it’s food and I didn’t have to fix it!”
3. The Best of The Three Stooges video series. The words, “Best of” and “Three Stooges” are an oxymoron in female language.
2. Pots, pans, vacuum cleaner, or anything that involves manual labor. This is Valentine’s Day, not MAID’S DAY!
1. Nothing. Even if she says, “Oh don’t get me anything,” get her something. If you arrive home and realize you have forgotten to get her anything, tear your shirt and bang your head on the car several times. Tell her you had the prettiest diamond bracelet for her but you were mugged by a teen suburban scooter gang in the driveway.* Just a reminder, Valentine’s Day falls on February 14th this year.